Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
