It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
