I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
