There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
