I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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