Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize