mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
