my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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