It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
