Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
