textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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