You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I think my fart just growled at me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
