I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
