Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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