If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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