I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
