I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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