This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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