I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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