So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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