No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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