It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I know her cup size but not her name....
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
