Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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