I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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