The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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