there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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