There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
