Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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