I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
