You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
