it was like his penis was on wheels.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize