Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Where is the hickey?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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