We got so high we made milksteak
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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