Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
