All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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