i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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