Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I smell stomach acid.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
