Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
