she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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