before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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