I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
