Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
