giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
