you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
