Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
