He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
