I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
