Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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