Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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