I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
