She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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