you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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