I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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