I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
