I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
