Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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