I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
