I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
