Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
