I murdered the dance floor call the cops
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
