Please, let me fuck your mom
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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